Monday, April 11, 2011

Boot Camp Drama

The next morning after Thyroid Drama, I got up at 4:30am to get ready for boot camp class.  I can't just sit back and allow myself to get fatter than I already am.  So it's back to work out and watch my classmates loose weight, while I stay the same.
I told my trainer, Bijai, about the news and my frustrations.  In case you are just tuning in, he's my boot camp instructor and my Herbalife nutrition coach.  But I say "trainer" because not only is it easier to say, but I kind of get that as a bonus.  He gives me workout homework outside of boot camp and guides me the way in my weight loss.  I also like that he has also had other hypothyroid patients as clients, so he knew all about the problem pretty well.  So Bijai was also disappointed in the results, but was relieved that this was the reason I wasn't loosing weight.  It's not a mystery anymore. He was also very proud that I came to class.  He kind of wondered if I would continue this or not.
I struggled through the strength portion of class that morning.  I knew it was because of my pity party I had the night before.  A lot of crying and a lot of eating = horrible workout performance.  And to be honest, I didn't want to really give it my all. I was still pissed off at my "situation" and probably wasn't mentally ready for a hardcore workout.
It wasn't until the cardio portion at the end of class, when Bijai pushed me too far.  He sent his slowest people out to run laps first -- me and another girl.  We start jogging our lap, unaware of why we were sent out when no one else was.  Once I got to the other side of the lap, I hear a stampede rumbling behind us.  Then I hear Bijai yell "DON'T LET THEM PASS YOU!!!"  I'm like "what the hell?!"  So I start running as fast as I can.  Now I'm in sprint mode = dying mode.
Well, everyone passes me and I feel my heart rate rising.  I keep a heart rate monitor on me to keep a close eye on it.  My heart rate gets waaaay too high.  I don't know why but it will get way past my calculated maximum at times.  I'm supposed to keep it below 175, but I've seen it at 197 before.  It's often over the 175.
So...everyone passes me and for punishment, we all have to run another lap.  And I'm the reason why everyone has to run again.  So embarrassing!
During the extra lap, my chest started to burn.  I glanced at my heart rate monitor and it read 195.  So I slowed down to a light jog and I could hear Bijai yelling at me to pick it up.  So I go back into a run, but my chest was hurting so bad, that I immediately went into a walk.  He yells - "Don't give up!  Don't you dare!"  The finish line was close and everyone was there waiting on me.  I was breathing so hard, and my chest hurt so bad.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I don't know if it was because of the pain, the frustration, being pissed off or being upset at my thyroid drama.  But in my mind I was saying - "omg, please don't cry during boot camp!" It was cool down time, so I was the first to leave the track to head back to our cool down mats on the building roof over.
As we laid on our backs with our knees pulled into our chests, the sun had come up for the morning and it was a cloudy day.  (I love morning classes, because the sun comes up right at the time of cool down and it's surreal) I pulled my knees in tighter and watched the clouds rolling up above me.  I was drowning any chatter out and it was just me, my mat and the clouds.
But then Bijai came into focus as he pushed down on my legs to help me get a deeper stretch.  He looked down at me and gave me a motivating speech I'll never forget.  When thoughts of giving up pop in my head, I'll come back to this moment.  I don't remember exactly word for word, but I do remember him telling me that this is my journey, my story to tell.  I'm here and I'm fighting.  It will be a hard fight, harder than most people have to fight to loose weight, but I have the drive and strength to do it.  It might take a long time but Bijai says he'll be right beside me every step of the way if I want him to be.  He says he's not going to give up on me, when other people have.  I've even had doctors give up on me in the past.  It hasn't been pretty.  But I found a solid rock that will help and support me.  I need this and I needed that talk.  He says "you may be pissed at me this morning, but be pissed at yourself for not giving it your all.  That's what happens when I have to push you because you won't" Tears were welling up and running from the outside corners of my eyes, down to my mat.  It was clear that I wasn't mentally ready for working out today.  I was pissed at him for making me run so hard, but it was clear that my emotions were because of my thyroid drama.  Perhaps he needed to push me to that point so we could have that talk.  I'm not sure.  But I do know that I will treasure the words.  They will be my fuel to keep going.
Later that morning, I got a text from him - "You did great today boss.  I hope you understand that I won't give up on you losing weight."  I think I'm trusting my trainer more than my doctor these days.

1 comment:

RYKER said...

Bijai sounds like a great trainer, don't you give up on him either. I can't say I know what your going through but I do hear that inner determination not to let this problem overcome you. We are rooting for you!