Friday, April 30, 2010

Club flyer designing comes to an end

I'm a graphic designer for a living. I do print advertisement in a studio for a fast growing advertising agency. I'm not here to name drop, so I'll let you know the client I do work for is a multi-million dollar company that is nation-wide and international. I've been doing this since graduating in 2005 with a bachelors in art, concentrating in art advertising and graphic design.

So, I was excited to do some club flyers for our own shows. Our first show was Jason's birthday and for some reason, he wanted his friend to design that flyer. Okay, let me just say that was a huge fight and it's a bad subject for me to bring up, so I'm gonna move on from there and not discuss that anymore. Let me just say, it didn't go over well.

The 2nd show comes up and I beg to design this flyer. He was okay with that, but our partner isn't because he doesn't know anything about my design skills. Understandable. He wanted Jason's friend to design this one too. But the flyer designer called and said he was so busy designing other flyers.

Well they had trouble finding someone and time was running out so I was last choice. Whatever, I'll use this to show our partner just what I can do. I made a really awesome flyer. Let me tell you, I loved it! It was clean and sexy. It was bright and stood out among other flyers.

Our partner didn't like it. He wanted something brighter to stand out.'s bright orange. How more bright can you get? Then he says it's "too professional." Okay, I didn't understand that, really. He wanted me to jazz it up a big or something. So I'm thinking I needed to go cheesier.

How classy, right?, stands out and not professional, more messy and happy.

So I came out with this one. He says at last minute he might want to use the orange one instead. But...he uses my 2nd one anyway. I personally liked the orange one better.

We got the flyers printed up and have been passing them out. I also made an animated gif to go on their website.

Cute, yeah?

Well this show hasn't happened yet, but we are already planning for some upcoming shows in July. I'm ready to make the next flyer. I've got some badass ideas. Jason asks our partner for the press kit. And he says nope....he wants someone else to design the upcoming flyers from now on. So I can't design the flyers for our own shows. Boo.... :(

So there was the beginning and end of my flyer designing career. geeznus.

Day 1 on Armour

9:00 AM I couldn't find anywhere that says that I must take it on an empty stomach or so many hours before breakfast. So I went ahead and took my Armour and immediately ate breakfast.

My doctor said it takes a while for it to regulate, kind of like back when I first started Synthroid. He said I might feel "weird." Then I found someone online that takes Armour. She says for me not to feel alarmed if I feel "different" and it will go away.

Well this "weird" and "different" confused me. So far this morning, I feel like my regular tired self. I'm yawning a lot. So It's hard to tell if I'm just really tired because of the Armour or because I'm just tired. I do have slight 1 to 2 second headaches every now and then. It comes on and then it goes off. They are very mild and don't bother me really.

The one thing I have noticed is it feels like there is something stuck in my throat. I keep swallowing. It's like that feeling of a pill or food stuck in your throat. It's not big, but it's noticeable. I can't help but to think my thyroid has enlarged a little in response to Armour. Luckily, I don't see it bulging through my neck in the mirror, so I'm not concerned.

I don't want to talk to anyone at work. I just feel like keeping to myself today. There are some mild depression feelings or more of a "i don't like people" kind of feeling.

10:00 AM - Okay, either I got used to the throat thing or it's gone away. But now I'm very moody. Well, hell, I'm angry. I'm angry at the printer, I'm angry that everyone is in my way when I get up to go do something, and I get more angry for every new job that piles on top of my desk. But most of all, I"m angry at Jason. Not only did he go out to party it up all night last night, but he got drunk. I stayed at home because not only do I not feel well, but it's a damn weekday night. And now he tells me he called in sick today because he's hungover. So not only did he waste our money on vodka, he partied it up at a club without me, and didn't come home till 2:30 in the morning, but he also decided not to work today and he's hourly. So there goes more of our money. I don't even want to go home for my lunch hour because I don't want to even see him. I started bitching on IM, and he said he was going to take a nap. I"m fucking tired as hell and he gets to take a nap because of his all-night charades with alcohol and women. Grrr....I could just throw things and push people today.

4:30pm - The anger and irritation calmed down to just quietness by lunch. I was withdrawn again and sad. I'm tired but have anxiety all at the same time. It's a really weird feeling. I ate some lunch and took a quick 30-minute nap in the back seat of my car (Yep - I can lay down in the back seat of my Mini. lol) After I got up, I felt much better, but still quiet.

Right now I'm getting a slight headache so I ate a little wheat cracker with cheese snack. The headache is still there so I'm taking some ibuprofen. I do feel more awake. Perhaps the Armour is starting to wear off for the day.

I'm still angry at Jason, but not enough to put any energy into it. I'm not really caring anymore. It's like "whatever."

7:30pm - I laid down immediately when I got home from work. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. I woke up with a huge appetite. After eating a quick snack, I feel back to normal. Maybe a little tired, but I'm better. WHEW!! I really hope tomorrow goes better. I hope I don't rip heads off!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Morgan Page

This week is almost over and I never told you about I did this past weekend! We went to see Morgan Page at the Lizard Lounge. This is my 2nd time to see him play and it was WAYYYYY better this time around. Jason closed out the show with some awesome trance. I had a great time and enjoyed taking some pics.

Johnny Funk opened up the night.

Then Morgan Page came on and rocked the crowd!

And then my man, my boyfriend, Jason played right after. He's the cutest DJ ever. :)

We were all about promoting our new show coming up on May 14. I can't believe it's coming so soon! We are bringing in Simon Patterson as our 2nd Swoon Show. We have 2 more coming in July. So awesome!

Doctor. Doctor. Gimmie the News.

The visit to the internist today was quite the interesting one. He and his whole staff is Russian, so they all talked with accents and they spoke among each other in Russian. Instead of signing my agreement papers, I had to electronically sign them. Weird.

When I got back to a room, one lady came in to get my vitals. She doesn't write anything down. There is a big computer right there where she enters everything in. She leaves. Another lady comes in and immediately whisks me away to another room. This room is like the Willy Wonka of medical rooms. I start looking around while she starts up a computer. There is this clear box across the room with a chair inside it. It has this big tube that you breathe through. I'm so glad I didn't have to get inside there and do that one.

All of a sudden she has me sit down while she starts attaching electrodes to my chest. She says in her Russian accent, "we check your diagnostics now, okay?" Um... okay. I now know this is actually called an ANS (autonomic nervous system) test. With another blood pressure thing strapped to my arm, I have to remain really still and close my eyes. This monitors me in a resting state. Every now and then the blood pressure thing came on and squeezed the hell out of my arm. My arm went numb and white. She says I have bad circulation, but she loosens it to make me more comfortable. We do this for a while and then I have to open my eyes and do some breathing exercises. The breathing exercises were weird but it didn't bother my asthma too much. The next thing was the hardest. I had to stand up and don't move. Standing completely still for 10 minutes was like an eternity. The whole thing took about 30 minutes.

I say by the crazy room full of contraptions and I'm back in the original room. I'm there for quite a while, but then Dr. G comes in the room. He says I don't look like a patient of his. I'm too pretty. Then he made a few more jokes to help me relax a little. I start talking to him about my issues, why I'm here and what I'd like the outcome to be. He's surfing the internet while I'm telling him this. I started to get a little irritated, but little did I know he was actually looking up a supplement for me and printing it out. He had very long pauses in his conversation with me. They were awkward silences and it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know what to quite make of it. After a while, I just realized this is how he normally is.

Then he hands over my ANS test results. Drum roll please?........

I have adrenal fatigue.

The Autonomic Nervous System affects your heart rate, digestion, breathing, sexual arousal and other things. It's completely involuntary, so you can't control it. It does what it wants to do. The ANS has two sides - sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic side tells you to feel good, be happy, be active, alert, awake. The parasympathetic is complete opposite. It tells you to chill out, take a nap, and to eat. When I was resting, The parasympathetic was very high, while the sympathetic was a little on the low side. While I was standing, the parasympathetic was still high and the sympathetic went down even more....way down. This means I have Parasympathetic dominance. The parasympathetic is overly dominating the sympathetic side. This causes fatigue, exercise intolerance, depression, poor circulation and frequent headaches. When I was standing, it go worse and my test reads "Alpha-adrenergic and a possile risk of Orthostasis. Weak increase in heart rate, possibly due to Alpha-adrenergic"

As if that wasn't bad enough, he said I was becoming insulin-resistant. I asked him about The Thyroid Diet and was about to pull out my book to show him. I wanted to see what he had to say about it. He told me I won't have any luck with anything until I have my adrenals normal again. He gave me the sheet that he printed up from the internet - Now Foods Super Cortisol Support. This is a natural supplement I have to order off of the internet. As far as the diet, he didn't think I'd have to follow it strictly, but to really watch my carbs and sugar. But when I have my cortisol at a lower level, those cravings should go away. I won't be addicted to sugar like i am now.

He says that my thyroid looked okay on the Synthroid that I'm on. But that I can benefit from some T3. He actually gave me the option of adding on Cytomel (synthetic T3) or replacing it with Armour. I was wanting to try Armour, so that's what I get to do.

I'm upset that there is something else to worry about, but glad that I have answers. I'm hoping it will help me get back to feeling good and loosing weight.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It's here. It came in the mail today. My first car note...the first of many!

My nightmare has come true!

My work has setup for Wednesday's "snacktastic" again. But this time it is overboard.

The table is right next to my cube and people are pigging out. Let me tell you what is on this long table....4 different kinds of ice cream, all the toppings and syrups to pile on top, coke and root beer for you to make floats, donuts of several flavors, and cookies of several flavors. There are people having sundaes, floats and making ice cream sandwiches with the cookies. Everyone is talking about the food and eating around me. The smell of pure sugar and chocolate is in the air. People keep going back for seconds. It is a full-on pig-out. I'm freaking out man!!! Are they trying to kill me here?

I can't have any of it. There is nothing sugar-free on that table. I feel like this is some hidden camera tv show. Where is Ashton going to jump out and say "You got Punk'd!"

I wish I could just leave this room!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Lab work papers IZ serious biz!

I have all of my lab work from my endocrinologist but my memory has been fuzzy as to the early years of my hypothyroid, like the day I was diagnosed and the moment I decided to go from my family doctor to my endocrinologist. I remember my TSH was extremely high on that very first test, but I don't remember what it was. And since I'm going to see this new Internist on Thursday, I wanted to have all of my lab work with me to go over it. That way I can tell him my antibodies and whatever else hadn't been tested. Maybe he can look through it and tell where we need to go from here.

So I decided to call up my doc and ask the nurse for copies of all of my lab work that has been related to my thyroid. She had to call me back later. A few hours later, she calls back. She starts flipping through my folder while on the phone with me. "It looks like all the lab work we have on file is related to your thyroid." Well... no, that's not true. I've seen her for many uhem...lady-related things that were sent off to labs. I've also had a few other things that weren't thyroid-related. But whatever the issue, she was correct that were were several TSH and T4 tests done. I'm not really sure she ever tested T3.

The nurse says "well there is about 20 pages worth." My response is that if faxing is an issue, I can just swing by and pick up the copies, sign for them or whatever. They were just located a few blocks away, so it was no big deal. She puts me on hold to talk with the medical release department then she comes back and says that I need to request this in writing. I was puzzled because in the past when I asked for something, they usually faxed it without any issues. I explain this to her and she says she can easily release something when it's one page out of your record, but when there are 20 pages, it's a different process. What? What's the difference between 1 page or 20 pages out of my medical chart? No matter how many pages, it's still a confidential medical release. Why is there a different process? If you want to be strict about releasing files, then you need to be strict about all of it.

Then the nurse starts asking questions. Why do I need them? Who am I bringing them to? What kind of doctor is this and why am I going to see him? Do I still plan to use my current doctor? What happened to the endocrinologist I was seeing?

Why do you need to know this?

I tell her, "If you really need something in writing, can you have the copies ready for me to come by to get them all in one trip?" She says, "Well when are you going to see this new doctor?" "I'm going to see him on Thursday." She responds with, "I'll have your doctor call you tomorrow. If you don't hear from her during midday, then call and check on the status."

So now I'm really confused. Why does my doctor have to get involved and call me? Why can't you or the medical release department get the job done? Should I just call and request for one page at a time out of my chart to make this qualify for the other process?

I don't understand why my endocrinologist had mailed me a copy of my lab work every single time I visited him automatically. I never had to ask. It just always arrived in the mail. Yet, to get something from my family doctor is like pulling teeth!

5 minute grocery trip goes 2 hours

Just what the title says! We went to the grocery to get a couple of things for the next couple of days. I decided to pay close attention to the foods I picked out - remembering what is good and bad and keeping an eye on the ingredients for soy. I'm not on the thyroid diet - not yet anyway. But I do have a conscience and it bugged me about that food list in the book. I remembered what fruits I couldn't have when Jason picked up a bag of grapes - I was like "nooo!!!" like they were going to kill us all. lol I do *heart* avocados, and remembering that's a good fat, I excitedly grabbed me some. But when we got past the produce section, things got harder. Snacks, meals, sides were very selective. I love chips, and I couldn't find a chip that was okay. I thought corn tortilla chips would be the best route, but they all had soybean oil. But i did find a Pringles Multi-Grain. It was the best thing I saw out of the chips, so I found it as a good substitute for other bad things. I also switched to multi-grain waffles if I don't have time to make breakfast. Since I can't have syrup, I found some raw unfiltered honey, instead. In other words, this shopping trip turned into a whole evening of frustration!!

I had to grab some more Truvia. I have to say within the past month or so, Truvia has been my sugar savior. Truvia is made from rebiana, a purified extract of the stevia leaf. It's much sweeter than sugar, but it doesn't effect your body like sugar does. It has a more "pure" taste, if that makes any sense. It's completely calorie-free! And you know what? I prefer the taste of it over sugar. Yeah, that's right....there is something I like better than sugar. It makes everything taste better and it tricks my mind into thinking I'm having sugar. Why isn't everything made with stevia? I keep Truvia at home and at my desk at work. I also have a couple packets in my purse. Yes, there is something extra I carry in my purse - don't get me started on that subject again. :p But if they announce later that stevia is bad for you, I'll just freak.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Happy Monday!

Well, okay, Monday's aren't that awesome, but I try to make it seem like they are. It take some of the dread out of it. Every Monday morning is a gift to me - Starbucks. I can't afford this stuff all the time, but my new tradition the past few weeks has been Starbucks every Monday morning, no matter what, strictly enforced. If I'm running late for work, if I don't have money, doesn't matter. Be late for work and count up some change. I need to have something to look forward to on Monday mornings. And you know what? It works!

Last night I said - "tomorrow is Starbucks morning! Oh boy!" This morning, I jumped out of bed spritely, because I knew I needed those extra minutes to run by Starbucks. I didn't mind rolling out of bed. I went to work with a cup in my hand a smile on my face. I sat at my desk and sipped my latte and happily said good morning to people. What a change! I wouldn't think something like this might change my morning. Yeah, it's got sugar in it - bad for that thyroid. But this once a week treat, i think is okay for me.

What is your Monday morning motivation? Don't have one? I highly recommend it!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Spent some moolah

It was a Kohls kind of day. Ain't no shame - i love Kohls. The whole idea was to bump up the self esteem by buying me pretty things to make me feel pretty. But trying on things in the dressing room mirror didn't help that cause at all.

Today, I bought 2 new shirts! They are cute girlly shirts that I can wear to work. I decided to show them off for you, but before you look, let me just say something. I have no makeup on and i just got through cleaning the house. Okay? Okay. You can look now.

I also bought a pair of cute brown sandals that I can wear with jeans or dressup in a skirt. They are really comfy, too!

Damn, I need to be a shoe photographer. That came out nice.

And I desperately needed a new purse. The other purse I was using, I had for a year straight. I was sick of it! Now I have a summery colorful one. It's adorable and it's the perfect size.

Speaking of purse sizes. What's the deal with girls carrying around these huge-ass bags these days? They are gaudy and ridiculous. They look like they are packed for a slumber party. Girls, you just need to carry around your keys, cards, phone and shades. That's it. The more stuff you carry around, tells people the more "baggage" you carry with you, if you know what I mean.

Got Some Reading To Do

They are here and they are sitting on my coffee table.

Looks like I have plenty of reading to do. After 5 long years of this, I can't really avoid being informed anymore. I gotta know more about it and take action....I think.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Bad Soy, Bad!!!

I've always been conditioned that soy was good for me and it was great for weight loss. I consumed soy milk for about 2 years now, and also ate other soy products - protein drinks, bars, meat substitutes, etc. Soy is great!

I never thought it could be the answer to my hypothyroid issues. I had roughly heard in the past that if you are hypo, don't consume soy. I never really thought it was that big of a deal. I thought soy must be way better for me than it being bad for me. I just remember all those health articles just raving about soy.

News alert! Soy is thyroid-toxic! I just read an article this morning and it just shocked me. Soy makes your body not absorb your thyroid medication - especially Synthroid. I immediately think about my mornings. I drink soy milk every morning, pour it in my cereal, my coffee, whatever. I mainly consume it in the morning and sometimes right before bed. Around a heavy workout, I made up my protein shake made with soy protein. But my main concern was the morning - I take my Synthroid in the morning, and I usually take it with breakfast, I always use soy milk as my drink when I take it. Could my thyroid be avoiding my medication because of soy? YIKES! Also, I read that it just slows down your thyroid - which is a double YIKES! No wonder why I'm so exhausted! I felt like going to force myself to throw up the soy milk I had drank before reading the article.

If you are concerned about your thyroid issues and you consume soy, you have to read this:
Be informed!!!

I'll be pouring mine down the sink when I get home. It makes me wonder what else is thyroid-toxic? Perhaps I do need to read that Thyroid Diet book when it comes in and take it seriously. It could be the answer to my problem - maybe?

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Today is definitely a fat-feeling kind of day. Maybe it's the tight jeans, maybe it's my tiny sleeves tight against my fat arms, maybe it's my belly trying to bust through a buttoned-up shirt when I sit down, or maybe it's just an overall bloated feeling. Loosening the belt didn't really help if it's all busting up against the buttons of the jeans. What's the use in wearing this belt today anyway? I don't need it to hold up anything. Today is not one of those feel good about myself kind of day. Though, I'm trying. I'm not getting really down on myself. I'm just aware of the reality. I must be bloated cause I didn't feel that bad yesterday. I know I didn't gain 10 lbs overnight, so it must be just in how I feel.

Drink drink drink water. It's always my downfall. I hardly ever drink any liquid. I ate many meals without ever taking a sip. I just rarely ever have that feeling of "thirsty." I always forget I need to take a sip. I'd be good to get about 2 glasses of drink in me a day. I did the rubberband technique for a while, and it worked for awhile, but it was hard to remember to start it in the morning. I might try going for it again. Bleh, I'm so bloated and full feeling, the thought of drinking water makes me want to throw up. Grrr.

Last night, I decided to finally order a couple of books that I've been wanting to purchase for a while. I always had second thoughts and decided not to purchase them over the past couple of years. I went back and forth, putting them into my amazon shopping cart. But thanks to Molly and her hypothyroidism blog, I've decided to go ahead and order them. I'm not sure about starting the thyroid diet, but I am interested in reading about it and perhaps use it as a guideline. I feel like if I start something and commit to it, I'm setting myself up for disappointment and failure. I'll be expecting to loose weight and be devastated at the scale when I don't. But here we go....I got The Thyroid Diet by Mary Shomon and Living Well with Hypothyroidism by Mary Shomon. There are some other books I'm interested in, but I can only take a couple at a time as to not get too intimidated and not read them at all. As far as the thyroid diet goes, it's my understanding that there is very little you can eat. Everything had bad things in it. I know you have to cut out the carbs, but it's literally in everything. And, since i work out and strength train, isn't carbs important to have? Well, looks like i have more reading to do.

I've decided on seeing an internist that has interest in thyroid and metabolism. I keep reading that it's common for endocrinologists to go by lab results only. I'm also interested in switching my medication from Synthroid to Armour. This is after reading more on Stop the Thyroid Madness website. Apparently, there are a lot of docs that are against Armour, a natural hormone, so it's a harder search. I think I found one and have an appointment for a week from today! I'm nervous and excited for a fresh change. This could either be good or bad. You never know unless you take the risk, right?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Happy Hump Day, Peoples!

Okay, so I got the bitchin' hair and I got cutest car in the whole world, what's next? I have to say, both of these make me incredibly happy. It definitely helps me take my mind off of my weight issues. It helps with being content with life - that's the idea, right?

I'm thinking I need something cute to wear to match the hair and car - for reals! I wear jeans and t-shirts, paired with tennis shoes or flip flops to work - pretty much everyday. Now I do have some nice tops that I do intermingle with some nice sandals. But with the weight gain, the jeans are putting on quite a muffin top to see through my t-shirts that are getting a little snug everyday. I'm still denying that I'm outgrowing my jeans. Definitely in denial - everything is fine, everything is great, ignore it. But maybe I just need some nice dressy tops that are a little baggy, fashion-wise. Something cute. That's next. Just a couple tops to wear to work, nothing big.

And maybe I just need a topic to blog about because as we speak, my work office is having it's weekly "snacktastic" day. Right now, there is Frito pie and cookies. The smell is killing me. Why my office must eat like pigs all of the time, is beyond me. Oddly enough, I'm one of the fattest of them all and I try to ignore that famous snack day, every Wednesday. I ignore it so much that I asked to be taken off the list of participation. But, they love to set up the snack table nearby and I get to watch all of the people pig out. Yesterday, it was birthday cake day. We have birthday cake once a month and a pot luck lunch once a month, also. Insane. I really wish I could just leave during this one hour while everyone eats. I must resist!

While we are talking about weight ish. I went to the regular doctor because I currently have bronchitis (perhaps I should cough on all of the food? oh wait, ignore it...keep talking). I hadn't seen the scale since my "I quit!" stance. But docs orders, step on the scale. I'm now up to the exact weight I was before I started Weight Watchers over a year ago. It was a long fight to keep those 10 lbs off. I did really good at keeping it off for a long time, but after my endocrinologist lowered my Synthroid 3 months ago, it was all over with. Which brings me to another move. Mary Shomon, a leader in thyroid problems and author of many best-selling thyroid books, gave me the advice to change doctors. Why on earth did he lower my med is beyond me. So I'm on the big hunt for a new endocrinologist. The one I currently have doesn't really seem to care or have any sympathy at all. He reads the lab work and goes by that, never by how I feel or any of my symptoms. It's time...the hunt is on!

dammit...I'll have a cookie. I hate you, co-workers! Grrr....

Molly's Thyroid Journey

It's comforting to know there are others out there with the same struggles I have with chronic hypothryoidism. Here is Molly's story and her journey with the thyroid diet has begun to a great start. My hats off to her for going through such an intimidating diet. I don't think I'd have the strength to do it. I look up to anyone that does.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My dream car come true - Mini Cooper S

I can't believe I found a way to own my dream car, the Mini Cooper S. I was able to get a great deal on my trade in and get a feasible price on a fully loaded Mini. This baby has character and some serious power. It's a 6-speed manual with 172 horsepower. On top of that, there is a performance button for a boost of way more power. I have yet to push that button. I get enough out of it as it is. In fact, it may be a little too powerful. It makes me giddy! :D

What really gives it character and sets it apart from a lot of Mini's is the custom interior. It's red. Yup, red! The doors are red with black shiny trim and chrome accents. The seats are all red leather, front and back, with a tad little bit of black trim. The dash is gorgeous with black, shiny black and chrome accents.

I haven't figured out everything, but I do know that it has heated seats (with 3 different settings), bluetooth, voice control, aux hookup for my iphone, HD radio and ambient lighting. Oh yeah, ambient lighting, and you can change the color to every color of the rainbow. There are little accent lights all over. 2 right above the shifter, lights inside the door arm rest that shine onto the door, and one above each seat belt in the ceiling. I find that blue is just right. I love driving at night, so I can play with the colors.

The outside is a beautiful dark silver. It's not that bright glittery silver. It's a pewter shiny silver. I like it better than the bright silver, because it gives a nice contrast to all the chrome parts. The windows have a nice dark tint,just enough sexy. It has real Mini rims and has all the hot body accents that the S series has with dual exhaust. It has fog lights and HD blue hue headlights. Oh and I can't forget about the dual sunroof. Yeah, I said it....DUAL. Both front and back seat sunroofs open and the front can slide all the way open. Also, there is a screen I can slide forward if the sun is too powerful.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

First Day of Being Me

This morning was filled with lies, but I was okay with that. I considered it to be the beginning steps and they are just going to be like that at first. I stood in the mirror and did my new hair do. Oh yeah, by the way, I chopped all my hair off! Okay, the pic is blurry, but it's a mobile phone pic.

Cute, huh?!

Anyways, so back to the mirror. I started with what I hair, of course. As I was doing my hair for the day, I admired it and liked it. Then I did my makeup and appreciated that I didn't have any active acne currently. My makeup looked great and I smiled to admire my face. Then I took a deep breath and backed up from the mirror to look at my body.

Not too bad. Smile and appreciate it. The belly, hips and butt are big, but in a cute, way, right? I tell myself that I adore me and like me for who I am. I smile and continued on. After getting dressed, I looked back in the mirror and noticed my belly really showed in this outfit. I guess my jeans are too tight and they push my belly up and I think I could pass for about 6 month pregnancy. I tell myself, that's okay. Everyone knows what size I am, so why should i hide it and pretend Im not? This is normal. This is an average belly for a REAL woman.

Also, today is the first day I've gone off the diet pill. It usually made me feel slightly nauseous in the mornings. So I was happy that I wouldn't have that feeling anymore. But I can definitely tell the difference in my energy. I'm tired and dragging this morning. Maybe I need to start hitting up the coffee or hot tea again. I wonder how it will affect my workout this evening. My following workouts, I will focus on strength and stress relief. Weight loss will no longer be a goal of mine. So strength training and yoga will be back on priority rather than cardio. And I WILL NOT ever step on a scale unless it's at the doctor's office. My love/hate relationship with the scale needs to be addressed and ended.

Monday, April 05, 2010

How Do You Accept Yourself?

It happened again. Failure at the scale. A new month has gone by and I am near the end of a new bottle of diet pills, Recreate. I remember a month ago, my good friend had lost 9 lbs over 3 weeks of taking them. She looked great when I saw her. She said she hadn't watched what she ate or worked out, but she lost 9lbs by taking Recreate. I thought, "9lbs by not doing anything? Imagine how much I could loose if I took them and worked out and watched what I ate!" I saw a ton of great reviews online and many success stories about this pill. The immediate next day, I ran to GNC and threw $50 down for a bottle of Recreate. That was 3 weeks ago. I had taken them by the exact instructions. I didn't super diet and count calories. But I stayed away from pigging out and kept a good conscience on what I consumed. I also portioned and stopped when I felt full. Not only that but since moving into our new apartment, I had been working out everyday of the week.

I hadn't looked at a scale.

This night was different. The fitness room at our apartment was super busy and there weren't any machines left to use. So since we still had our membership at the local gym, we went there. I knew there was a scale. I couldn't avoid it. I had to go see my old friend again. The old friend that stabs me in the back every minute he has the chance. I thought "nah, it will be good! I've done good and the Recreate pills on top of that. Surely I've lost something!"

I stepped on with pure confidence. My heart dropped when I saw I gained 3 lbs. I'm now 2 lbs away from when I started Weight Watchers. Back at square one. I felt my eyes welling up with tears. "Okay Steph, don't freaking cry in public. You'll be that weirdo!" Instead, I held it in an waited till shower time at home to cry.

Okay look....I don't have the body I want. I never will. I won't ever wear a bikini in my lifetime. Hell, I won't be able to wear any sort of normal bathing suit in my lifetime. I have a thyroid disease. That's just the way it is. There is no cure, I just need to deal and take my meds like I'm told to. There is no way I'll have results like other people do. There isn't a pill that will even help in the littlest bit. I can count calories or do any diet that starves myself. It won't matter to my hips. I can completely exhaust myself in workouts 365 days a year without any off days and my body will still look the way it does. So why do I keep thinking there is some miracle or some way that I have not tired will change all of that? Hmm?

I need to accept it. I need to accept that there will never be a way to loose the weight. It doesn't mean I give up. It doesn't mean I'm going to let myself go. But I do need to stop setting myself up for disappointment and disapproval of my self. I need to go workout because I enjoy it and it relieves stress. I need to eat to satisfy myself and no deprivation. If I want something unhealthy, i'll eat it. But I know my body would love healthy food even more. Eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full. Take my meds and just know that's the way it will be.

The most important part? Look in the mirror and admire. Oh my god that will be the hardest part. So hard, that I'm not sure how to do it. How do I say positive things to myself when I don't feel it? Do you just lie to yourself and hopefully you'll start to believe it? I don't know how to do this. I've been so negative and disappointed about myself for....well forever. I don't now where to even begin.

People always told me in the past - "well that's just the body you have, so deal with it" or "god gave you that body, accept it." That was always a blow to the stomach. I refused. I don't want to settle, I wanted to achieve. But I'm thinking I can't achieve what is impossible. I can't replace my thyroid with a healthy one, right? Well, then...I need to just do what I can to stay healthy and be HAPPY with that and myself. Why do I feel so defeated in saying that? Why does that feel so awful?